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Contest 2: “50 Things Ducky Can No Longer Do In the Amestrian Army”

(Loosely based on "The Skippy List")

Okay, here's the thing. We all know the Geek Squad will end up on the other side of the Gate in A:2, and because Mustang is such a nice guy *coughwantspromotedcough* he will be taking them under his command (For their own protection, of course!). Unfortunately, as anyone who has followed Balance of Power is aware, Ducky is a rather unique individual. Meaning that he is NOT military material. He will do things that are not exactly Military Protocol. And you know what kind of havoc that can wreak (No, not Havoc, silly! Although he -might- if Ducky keeps hiding his cigarettes).

So...the rules:

-Take one of the things on the "50 Things Ducky is *NO LONGER* Allowed to do in the Amestrian Army, and write a story between 1000 (That's One Thousand) and 5000 (Five Thousand) words detailing an incident (or three, or more) that was the cause for the item to be placed on this list.

-The story MUST be within the 1000-5000 range or it will be disqualified (a few over or under is fine, as word counts vary depending on what you're using... but 500 words is not enough, Okay?)

-Please tag your entry as "The Ducky List"

-LJ Cut is your friend! And your friends will thank you for it. So will ours.

-Post the entry (or a link to the entry) in cbs_crackfic. If you want to pimp it all over the 'net, be our guest!

-Contest will run until October 21st. If you're going to miss that deadline, PLEASE be courteous and let us know. No word, no entry, no award.

1. No military functions are to be performed “Skyclad”.
2. I will avoid Major Armstrong's *sparklyFLEX* at all costs!
3. Not allowed to use the ass (a la Ace Ventura) to make a report.
4. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony “Romper Bomper Stomper Boo” is probably not appropriate.
5. The voices inside my head do NOT outrank Mustang. In fact, they do not outrank Captain Hawkeye, Lieutenant Havoc, or even Sgt Fuery.
6. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
7. “Calvin-Ball” is not an authorized form of exercise.
8. The proper way to report to my Commander is with my proper name and rank. Not “Specialist Ducky, reporting as ordered, Sir” nor “You can't prove a thing!”
9. I will not make up a military march lauding the virtues of 'espresso'.
10. No part of the military uniform is edible.
11. There is no International Talk Like A Pirate Day. (Especially around Mustang)
12. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
13. Rammstein are not gods. Creating a cult devoted to the worship of their music would interfere with the duties of an Amestrian Army Specialist.
14. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
15. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something “I saw in a cartoon”.
16. "At ease" is not an invitation to: remove clothing, belch, pass gas, or break into song.
17. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions. (particularly fuzzy, yellow socks)
18. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. (See above)
19. Parachuting off the top of Central Headquarters and calling it "research" is not only inappropriate, but just plain dangerous.
20. Not allowed to drive. Period. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #15.
21. No, Black Hayate would NOT taste good stir-fried. Stop listening to Lt Havoc.
22. Not allowed to inquire if "the Red Army is marching on Vagingrad, Captain Hawkeye sir Ma'am sir?"
23. I am neither the king, nor queen, of cheese, no matter how much I love cheese.
24. Not allowed to use dead fish as a report cover.
25. Is not allowed to call Mustang a fascist. Even if he is, err, was. (Most particularly to his face. Sometimes hair -doesn't- grow back.)
26. Not allowed at the shooting range without Colonel Hawkeye's supervision, thanks to the water-gun incident.
27. Is not allowed to shake his head and mutter about barbarians who have never heard of "recycling" while watching Hawkeye stack paperwork on Mustang's desk.
28. Not allowed to start a "recycling" program with said paperwork, no matter how much Mustang silently pleads.(Who wants to bet Mustang would help him with that one?) (Hawkeye banned Ducky from doing this one...)
29. Not allowed to hide anyone's cigarettes behind the toilet.
30. Not allowed to hide anyone's snazzy, sparky white gloves there either.
31. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
32. Not allowed to follow Brigadier General Mustang holding a wet towel, shouting "Look out, she's gonna blow!"
33. The excuse "I didn't receive the e-mail, sir" no longer applies.
34. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket" on military operations. Not allowed to quote anything from Hollywood on military operations. Ever. Including from "Apocalypse Now."
35. Adding fashion accessories to the dress uniform is a no-no. Especially if it involves tie-dye or hawaiian prints.
36. Not allowed to nickname everyone in the office. (Ed is Terminator, Havoc is Smokey the Bear, etc.)
37. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
37a. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
38. The phrase "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies.
39. Not allowed to make any snarky comments about the inane nature of the secretarial pool and their facination with Mustang's ass.
40. Comparing the Amestrian military with an army doll called "G.I. Joe" is highly inappropriate.
41. Peeing off the roof of the headquarters is also dangerous (and gross)
42. The answer to every question is not "42".
43. "The Gate ate it" is not a valid excuse for missing paperwork. Stop taking reports for your recycling project, Ducky!
44. Regarding #23, being the self-proclaimed "King of Cheese" does NOT entitle me to a harem filled with the most beautiful women in the Amestrian military.
45. Harry Potter did not perform alchemy. He is a fictional character that performed MAGIC. Referring to alchemy as "magic" in front of either Ed or Mustang is a good way to get killed.
46. Is not permitted to go undercover ever, and especially not with the following code names: Fox Mulder, Captain Kirk, Han Solo, Rambo or Arnold Schwarzenegger.
47. In response to #42, why is 42 the answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything?
48. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions. Roy wanted Mini skirts for the women. And he KNOWS the difference between a cross-dresser and a kilt-wearer.
49. No longer allowed to institute competitions involving "mastering one's domain"
50. If it makes you giggle for more than 15 seconds, it is safe to assume you are not allowed to do it. Ever.
51. Is not allowed near orange paint (or any paint) after the now infamous "General Lee" incident.
(Deleted comment)
"Specialist" aka, Privates. On paper, at least XD

(PS-- Glad to know the contests are addictive! Buahahahahahaha)
8. The proper way to report to my Commander is with my proper name and rank. Not “Specialist Ducky, reporting as ordered, Sir” nor “You can't prove a thing!”

Can you reveal Ducky's proper name yet? I've been wondering ...
*Grins evilly*
C'mon, last name, even? I can't have Hawkeye call him on the carpet by his nickname ...
I dunno... that could prove interesting. ;) I think Hawkeye could make his name sound serious, no matter what it is (And Mustang would make it sound like a curse!)
If LJ didn't already get to you with it, go to FicWad and look under "The Structure of Reality." by Roaming Fool. It's in there.
This made me laugh aloud. Just very, very random. In the best possible way. It *also* persuaded me to check out the 'Balance of Power' series, which is a fantastic story, btw. I was wondering, is the series still going on...or not?
Absolutely! We're a little slow this time because school just started back up, but the next chapter should be out soon. We also have a second arc planned that will take place in Amestris (thus the contests), so keep an eye out for that to start soon, as well.
Oh, brilliant, I'll keep an eye out. :) I was hoping there would be more of it. The amount of work and imagination that seems to have gone into it (the stories, the 'crack-fic', art...that little AMV on the Short Obsessions site) was just too interesting to pass over, after I kept finding references all over FMA LJs and the like. :)
Buahahahahahaha! The word is spreading! ^^

Actually, we've been doing a lot of pimping. And there are quite a few people involved.

There will be more involved when the second arc begins, too.
Pimped liek whoa.
*keels over* This is funnier now that i can actually read the whole list....

Can we ADD to this list after the contest is over?
LOL! We just may.

Just like we will probably add to the Pop Culture Quotes list from the previous contest.
uh... lets just say i grew [am growing] up a military child.... and.... you may want to put something having to deal with nerf darts, needles, butt, pain, and screaming like a little girl [from something my dad did]
list is hillarious... i would have fallen out of my chair if i didnt smack into the desk first
Awesome list :3 I'm tempted to try my hand at one of them, but I'd need to do a bit more research on the FMA-verse to be fully confident with my keeping-in-character abilities before I could write anything...

I had a spectacular time reading what C_B_S has so far, by the way. My mind just isn't booting up properly, so I haven't been able to leave any real or worthwhile comments or critiques around.

Meanwhile, number 47 here--is that an actual question, or is it something that challanges the writer to answer it in the story? If it's an actual question, then the answer is: the "Answer" of 42 originated from the book Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglass Adams. Since then it's spread and paraphrased.
And if you already knew that, sorry XD;
Nah, we knew. But don't apologize. 'Tis cool ;) It's more along the lines of expecting smart-assed replies, though. Because... after all, it's a Cracked Bunny thang.

Good sarcasm is an art-form!